Even Stars on Skates fail to keep Xanadu rolling
“Xanadu” is the kind of film I wish could work. Like the abysmal “Can’t Stop the Music,” released earlier this summer, “Xanadu” attempts to resurrect the big Hollywood musical and tailer it to popular tastes.
“Xanadu” even goes so far as to resurrect one of Hollywood’s top hoofers, Gene Kelly, who dances on film for the first time in many years.
Kelly’s character of Danny McGuire attempta to bridge the gap between the World War II “big band” generation and the proponents of 1980 electronic rock.
It’s an admirable intention that is even more ludicrous in reality than it appears on paper.
“Xanadu” has more problems than just a failed attempt at bringing the generations together, however.
Its plot, a hodge-podge of classical myth, 19th century romanticism and late 20th century corporate cretinism, just does not roll, even though the characters spend half their time on skates.
We are left with Olivia Newton-John, who is still as cute as a bug’s ear, the venerable Gene Kelly, and some pretty good new songs by England’s Electric Light Orchestra. Unfortunately, in its endless lust for profit, Universal Pictures released the soundtrack over a month ago, and the best songs (“Simply Magic,” “Tm Alive,” “All Over the World”) have already been played to death on the radio.
I can’t feel sorry for Universal Pictures, which has thrown away wads of money this summer on such inflated budget bombs as “The Nude Bomb,” “The Island,” “The Blues Brothers Movie” and possibly “Smokey and the Bandit II” It seems a shame that there is no one in charge who can figure out some constructive use for those wasted zillions.
No one seems to be in charge of “Xanadu”; not its producer, Lawrence Gordon, not its first-time rookie director Robert Greenwald, and apparently not even its cast.
Michael Beck, who made a splash last year as a gang leader in “The Warriors,” takes to his role of a roller-skating commercial artist as a fish takes to tap dancing. Poor Beck spends most of his time skating after the diaphanous figure of Olivia Newton-John and looking baffled, which is probably a sincere emotion on his part.
Misa Newton-John sings better than she roller skates, but as Kira, one of the nine Greek mases come to life, she is about as believeable as the Tinker Bell-like cartoon character she in turned into later in the film. Gene Kelly is a Hollywood institution. Putting him down would be like criticizing Mt. Rustumore or the Statue of Liberty. Let’s just say his character of Danny McGuire is highly unlikely.
McGuire is a rich, retired 1940s-era musician whose secret desire it is to found the ultimate nightclub. I can see an older guy getting into rock music, but not the Tubes, for gosh sakes, and not the people who wear outlandish Fiorucci-style costumes and sport purple, pink and green hair.
Costume designer Bobbie Mannix and choreographers Kenny Ortega and Jerry Trent have piled excess upon excess in lavish production numbers which seem to prove that 1940s dance routines were every bit as dumb as those of the 1980s.
“Xanadu” finally comes off as a corporate dream where people of all ages come together to spend huge amounts of money on clothes, boore and entertainment.
Dragging poor Samuel Taylor Coleridge into than mess is perhaps the biggent joke of all.
“All should cry Beware! Beware,” no doubt Coleridge would say…. and case your eyes with holy dread.”
Not because he’s worried about anyone feeding on honey-dew or drinking the milk of Paradise, but to warn people from wasting money on this mish-mash known as “Xanadu.”
“Xanadu” is rated PG.
A Movie Review By Skip Sheffield